Ladies, Improve Your Aviation Manipulation Skills

I don’t need to tell you that men are strange creatures —  strange but simple.  This is doubly so for pilot-men.

Apparently aviators have a higher IQ than ordinary mortals.  This is not based on rigorous scientific research, but on a straw poll of pilots opinions of themselves.  We are well endowed with passion and mojo but, sadly, much of this vigour does not necessarily translate into to the world of love and romance.

Or so it would appear.  Often you women simply do not pick up on the subtle romantic messages that we pilot-men are sending; you mistake our tired, jetlagged snoring for indifference, when really we are purring because we are content. You may think that we are not listening or we do not care;  I can assure you that every word out of your lovely mouth is received, and will be duly considered — after a beer and a nap.

OK, I admit it — romance is not always at the top of a pilot-man’s priority list, but there are things you can do about it. By understanding the very expensive training every pilot has received, you can break through your aviator’s jetlagged fugue, and easily improve your love life and mission success rate.

An ideal aviation perfume, used sparingly and with care.

Let’s begin at the beginning, otherwise known as “INITIAL APPROACH”.  For starters we need to talk about your perfume.   Try ditching that Chanel 5 or Poison for a little kerosene dabbed behind your earlobes.  Known as jet fuel, kerosene is a highly arousing aroma to a pilot.  Petrol or gasoline works equally as well for pilots of smaller aircraft (although only in small amounts and never near an open flame!)

Now it’s time for some light conversation, gradually setting the scene for love.  Do this right and instead of an unsatisfying “TOUCH AND GO,”  you can place him in a “HOLDING PATTERN” and become the “AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER”.

Start by complimenting him on his rippling “FUSELAGE,” or give him a beer but call it “DOWNWASH”.  He’ll like that.

Next get him to say something nice to you.  I would recommend using oldtime terminology, such as “DOES MY EMPENNAGE LOOK BIG IN THIS?”  Assuming he knows what this means (the “empennage” is the tail of an aircraft), he will surely say something kind and loving at this point.  Get him to say it again by saying “SAY AGAIN.”  He’ll love that too.

I think you’re getting the hang of it now, so we’re going to up the ante.  I am going to let you in on a very big secret which you must promise not to tell anyone else… aviation words can be used to make a pilot do things without thinking!

The TCAS (pronounced "tee-cass") warns of impending collisions, and demands IMMEDIATE response from the pilot.

For example, an airliner has a bunch of warning phrases that pilots are trained to obey instantly.  If you learn to use these words, with the right tone, your control over your man will be complete.  He will not be able to help it, and he won’t know why.

So, let’s practice.  We’ll start with a phrase used by the T-CAS system, which tells pilots how to avoid crashing into the aircraft that is coming right at them.

In a firm, monotone voice, say this to your pilot-man when you want his undivided attention: “DESCEND, DESCEND NOW!”

Because he has been trained to respond instantly to this command, he will do just that.  And, not being in an airliner, he will descend upon the nearest alternative… you!  Well done!  Other airline phrases like “GEAR DOWN” and “PULL UP” can be useful at the appropriate time.

(Check out our post on Bitching Betty to learn more about these words, and the tone that you must use when using them. )

These are commands that will achieve an instant response if your feller is an airline pilot, but there are many phrases that are useful in the any aviation context, and a little research will serve you well.

What you wear is also important. For example, while he may think you look good in an “APRON”, a pair of see-through undies (for him or for you) will always win the day; what pilot can resist a “GLASS COCKPIT?”.  One thing that probably won’t work is to make him dress as a lady… no pilot likes “DRAG”.”

Sometimes a pilot-man needs a little guidance finding his way to the “CLASS G AIRSPACE.” Whether you are “VFR ON TOP” or “UNDER THE SCUD,” helpful phrases such as “UNDERSHOOT”, “OVERSHOOT” and “GO-AROUND” will always be appreciated.  Help him make his “FINAL APPROACH” and you will discover your “SERVICE CEILING.”

Always make sure that you compliment him on his “JOYSTICK/PITOT TUBE/LONGERON” and never, ever laugh in the event of “DEADSTICK”.  You will then need to reassure him of his “HORSEPOWER” and “THRUST”.

Aviation themed underwear is a guaranteed way of retaining his attention!

Conversation is an important part of any relationship and you can apply these techniques at any time. If he gets a little jealous simply explain that you are a “MONOCOQUE CONSTRUCTION”.  To suggest that he lose a few pounds, mention that he is of “GROSS WEIGHT”.  He will appreciate these comments being stated in terms he can understand.

Some of us pilot-men are a little ham-fisted in the ways of love.  Just remember, if he is not getting it right just tell him to “GO-AROUND” and have another go.  Using these words he will respond instantly… no pilot worth his salt will push a bad situation.

So, girls, I hope that explains how a little aviation knowledge can make life better for the both of you.  Learn as much as you can about his world and he will be your oyster.  Have fun with your new power and remember… done correctly, your pilot will respect your new-found aviation manipulation skills.

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